Now don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t completely naive before joining the mummy train. I knew about morning sickness, I’d acknowledged my body would change and i’d already decided I would be teetotal throughout my pregnancy. However there were at least 10 things I never imagined…
1. Mahoosive Breasts
No stranger to massive boobs, at the age of 25 I took the brave decision to have my 32GG breasts reduced for health reasons. I instantly fell in love with my new C cups and embraced strapless dresses and pretty bras. Therefore it was with horror that as soon as i’d pee’d on that pregnancy stick, they grew to mahoosive proportions. It took at least 6 months for my bump to proceed my breasts.
2. Pregnancy Glow
“Oh you have that lovely pregnancy glow” said a colleague at work a few weeks ago. If only she knew my ‘glow’ was thanks to my constant perspiring face and unbearable office heat. Not only did I feel hot all the time, by 12pm my face could be found sliding down my monitor. Thankfully a lovely beautician at Clinique solved my runaway face and helped me cheat my own pregnancy glow.
|Clinique Primer & Foundation x|
3. Mummy Chic
Once we had passed that 12 week baby milestone, I started my own Pinterest of stylist mummies. Kourtney Kardashian became my ‘go to’ Mum for breton stripes, slinky jersey dresses and layering perfection. However reality came with its own set of problems. The high street has a lot to answer for when it comes to Maternity wear. There are a handful of retailers such as Topshop (predominately basics) Asos (some quality and sizing issues) H&M (great for jeans) and Mamas and Papas (old before your time) that offer collections. Therefore you have to think outside of the box and make main ranges work for you. Long line tops, jersey dresses (they need to be of substantial fabric weight or your belly shows through) and floaty knitted cardigans were my savours.
|Kourtney Kardashian Pregnancy Style x|
4. Scent of 10 dogs
What is that smell? This question greats me every morning and follows me throughout the day. And most of the time, its me…
Excess discharge (yuck) constant perspiring (ugh) morning sickness breath (vom) are all unpleasant smells that cling to my body like PVL glue. I’ve become a washing obsessive, convinced that if my Go Gadget nose can pick it up, so can family and friends. Panty liners, deodorant and mouth wash have replaced my rouge, bronzer and gloss for beauty essentials. A little Jo Malone also goes a long way…
|Jo Malone Peony & Blush Suede Perfume x|
5. Aches, pains and strains oh my
Just when I was resigned to the fact that my SPD ruled the roost and leg cramps had taken home in our bed, a new evil lingers…
Piles… One of my dear friends has recently given birth and her poor body is plagued with 4 nasty haemorrhoids. These enlarged and swollen veins that take home in your rectum, came about due to her straining when going the toilet. Thankfully they have yet to ‘rear’ their ugly heads in me (sorry couldn’t resist the pun) however i’m now terrified to go the toilet. I’m obsessively drinking water to avoid constipation and eating a high fibre diet.
6. “sleep now, as you will never sleep in again”
Last night I woke on 3 occasions to pee, 2 occasions due to leg cramps, at least 5 times to roll over (my back was in agony) and spent at least an hour staring into space. Sleep now? What is sleep?
7. Lotions & Potion I can’t live without
My must have, can’t live without, thank the lord it was invented, go to pregnant beauty essential has to be Femfresh. http://www.boots.com/en/Femfresh-Intimate-Hygiene-Daily-Intimate-Wash-250ml_1232194/ This intimate hygiene wash offers me freshness throughout the day and also the aloe vera soothes my lady bits. When you are wiping up to 10 times a day, trust me the coolness is a godsend.
My other bargain must have is Johnson’s baby oil. Baby and Toddler shows, Bounty Bags and Mother and baby events love to give out Johnson’s products. I’ve chosen not to use such products on Little Monkey, however the baby oil is a great alternative to expensive stretch mark creams. I don’t feel in the least bit guilty when I soak my entire body in the oil to help beat the scratch.
8. Take my breath away
Walking up the stairs feels like an hour workout. I have to sit down, catch my breath and sometimes have a little nap. Right now for example as I type this, my heart is beating way to fast. I’m taking long inhalations in the hope that it calms down before I pass out. Due to my SPD i’ve not been able to do exercise or take the long walks i’d hoped for.
9. I can’t see it, never mind groom it
Around 20 weeks I woke up in bed vomiting uncontrollably, I had severe cramping and I was soaked through with sweat. This lasted around 2 hours, therefore my husband called NHS direct and concerned I was in premature labour they sent an ambulance to take me to hospital.
Now picture the scene…
My hair was in its natural unruly curly state, my PJ’s had customised rabbit bite holes at the hem (thanks Lollipop), chipped shellac manicure and pedicure and a bikini line that looked like Worzel Gummidge following a razor attack. So it was with utter mortification that this young doctor and student entourage requested an internal examination. Not only was I dying inside about my apparent lack of grooming, I had also pee’d myself in the ambulance en-route after vomiting.
Therefore I will be booking in for a wax pre-labour to avoid 70s like references to my growing bush. Its true, your hair does grow thick in pregnancy, unfortunately not just on your head.
10. Cry me a River
Those pesky hormones know no boundaries. They strike in the most inappropriate of times and it leaves you snotty nosed and puffy eyed. I’m referring to crying. Someone only needs to ask me, are you ok? And my oscar winning performance comes pouring out my eyes. People being nice is the worst offender for getting me going. My poor husband comes home after a long day in the office to me blubbering away for no reason at all.