Recently the question of “Will I have another baby?” has come crashing into my life and has evoked such a mixture of emotions, I felt I had to write them down. Friends are starting to have second babies and well wishing family members are curious as to when we will welcome another into our family. But I simply just answer with a laugh caught in my throat… “have you read my birth story?” in the hope they will leave the subject there.
I know in my heart that Henry needs a sibling, he is such a loving Little Monkey and comes alive during play dates and hanging out with his nursery friends. So for him to be an only child seems rather sad. Plus coming from a large family, it seems natural that we would fill our own house with at least another. I even have the most perfect baby names set out.
So why am I terrified? Wait is terrified a bit extreme?…. No its not, its rather fitting really to the swirly anxiety that takes centre stage in my tummy when I think about being pregnant. So what is terrifying me? For one its the pregnancy itself. I suffered with SPD from 12 weeks on and it ruined my whole pregnancy experience. Those agonising pelvic pains that had me crying at work and incredibly uncomfortable at night. The only thing to relieve them was a soak in the bath, but getting out would just bring it all back in an instant.
I remember one day in the office walking into a meeting and having to stop to grip the wall while my poor pelvis felt like they were being hammered to death. I ended up being signed off sick before my maternity leave and spending the remainder on the sofa watching back to back, Call the Midwife.
I know what you are thinking “no two pregnancies are the same”, very true, however I’ve been advised I’ve got 90% chance of getting it back. I prefer my lottery odds personally. And the SPD didn’t stop there… It followed me into my induction and labour, completely hindering any chance of me getting into the perfect labour poses my NCT class had recommended. Thinking back to labour it wasn’t the contractions I remember, its the SPD hammering pain that has stayed with me 20 months on.
The first time around I had long weekends to lay about and recover from the work, I also had a lovely long Christmas with my inlaws, that got me back onto my feet. But this time around I will have Henry running around, full of toddler energy and wanting to take on the world. How can I be a great Mum when I won’t be able to chase after him?
Which brings me perfectly onto my birth options. The 1st time around after 2 days of contractions, a set of mahoosive forceps and an unwelcomed CSection, Henry finally made it into the world. So options 2nd time around if the SPD comes back is another C Section. Thats another few weeks of recovery that fills me with dread. That feeling your insides are going to fall out if you cough. The agony of not being able to pick you baby up those first few nights in hospital (but you have to). The huge swelling of water that no one mentions post c section (I was like a balloon) and the potential 2nd horrible scar that will accompany my first one.
I know, I know, I’m one of the lucky ones. No complications during pregnancy (unless you count my Worzel Gummage moment), no post surgery infections and a beautiful healthy boy in the end. So I feel awful for moaning on, but surely I can’t be the only one? There must be other parents that didn’t enjoy being pregnant and dreads the thought of doing it all again. I loved being pregnant for the fact that I bloody well finally was and that Ben and I would become a little family. I also loved feeling his kicks and all the lovely feelings of bonding. But is that enough?
I honestly don’t know. All I know is that its been a tough year with my husband working away and I’m so looking forward to some normality and a rather large glass of wine this Christmas. I’m looking forward to embracing the festive season with Henry and to seeing his little face light up when he gets his presents from Father Christmas. Until then 2nd number baby can go back into its little ‘save for later’ box until I’m ready to face it head on.
I’d love to hear if anyone else feels or felt this way, because surely I can’t be the only one? x